In the U.S. Senate, the dust has begun to settle from the seeming failure of two major Democratic bills—an event GOP senators have described as both “cathartic” and “pants-creamingly awesome." Legislators on the other side of the aisle have been markedly less enthusiastic. However, key Senate members from both parties have signaled for bipartisanship going forward.
“We need to address the country’s problems with the recognition that voters sent us to Washington to work in their best interest—not to line our own pockets with money from special interests,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said at a press conference today. “With that in mind, I am willing to extend an olive branch to Sen. McConnell and his fellow Republicans so that we can confront the country’s rising health deficit, stagnant job growth, and—above all—troubling reports this week from the intelligence community of a papist conspiracy.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell echoed Reid’s bipartisan sentiments, adding, “We all remember the rumors our parents told us as children of papists stroking guns in their basements, just waiting for a signal from the Pope.” McConnell, at a press conference held separately from Reid’s, appeared shaken for a moment, but went on to say, “It seems the Pope has sounded his clarion call. We must now put aside our partisan differences to combat the papist blight—to defend the inherent WASP-iness of our nation and its institutions.”
When asked by reporters whether his conspiracy theory was really just a desperate ruse to shake voters from their recent rancor against incumbents in Washington, Sen. McConnell shot back, “Well, that’s exactly what the papists want you to think. It’s just like in the Crusades.”
When asked to elaborate on his analogy, Sen. McConnell seemed perplexed. “What analogy?”
Sen. Ben Nelson of Nebraska, member of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, was decidedly more illustrative regarding the sweeping papist conspiracy. “The SSCI was briefed yesterday about a papist plot to smuggle hundreds of priests into water filtration plants all over the country to transform our nation’s drinking water into cheap cooking sherry they claim to be the blood of their leader. They’re nothing but dirty cannibals and they obviously lack the refined palates needed to appreciate fine wine.”
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