A little disclaimer before we get started here—I’ve actually never heard the album Heartland by Owen Pallett. From the title, I’d probably begin my review with “Pallett returns to form with album of Neil Young covers.” Normally, a reviewer is expected to experience what he is reviewing before he reviews it—so goes conventional wisdom. Owen Pallett’s new album, though, is not what I intend to review. (Though, I’m sure I’ll do my damnedest to pass judgment on it anyway.) No, what is being scrutinized here is Pitchfork’s review of said album. And I’m sorry to say the review does not live up to the website’s reputation of unparalleled turgidity. It is, in fact, surprisingly un-turgid—perhaps a demoralizing sign of things to come? Pitchfork enthusiasts will be pleased to note, however, that the review continues in the vein of past reviews that regale readers with several paragraphs of background, apology, qualification, and general flippancy before actually getting to the album under inspection.
The review kicks off with the syntactically bizarre—and, therefore, genius—statement “I’ve never known anyone not to be wowed by Final Fantasy’s live shows.” Before you jump out of your seats to buy tickets, I’ll just let you know right now it has nothing to do with the popular gaming series, Final Fantasy. I’ve checked. Owen Pallett used to tour and record albums under the moniker Final Fantasy. (For those of you who’ve been living under a rock!) What’s interesting about this endorsement of Pallett’s live show is that he actually played at Pitchfork fest last summer and may very well perform there again next summer. Let me just add that anyone scrounging around for a conflict of interest here isn’t going to find one. Sorry.
Not having heard the album, I can’t really say much about who Owen Pallett is or what his music is like. However, I know from the review that he loves Dungeons & Dragons and is definitely a virgin. He probably knew what an avatar was even before that movie came out. Here’s a lyric from the album: “The night is split by the whistle of my amber whip.” I’m pretty sure that’s a reference to Simon’s Quest, but don’t quote me. Apparently, he also likes to sing about some made-up Narnia world called Spectrum—which I guess is a good thing because he’s using his imagination and probably drawing maps with little pictures of elves sitting cross-legged on tree stumps playing lutes.
What really disappoints me here is the serious lack of hyphenated words. (Only four!) I clamor for the days not too long ago when Pitchfork reviews were artfully arranged hodgepodges of hyphenated words. Take this brilliant piece of avant-garde criticism from the website's classic review of The Field’s 2009 album: “the poignant you-call-those-melodies? abstracted from the emotionally-manipulative fakebook of post-rave cheese.” I bring this up merely as a caveat to Pitchfork: don’t sacrifice your “reviews-as-art” mentality for the sake of lucidity. If your reviewers can’t make music or write literature themselves, at least have the decency to allow them an outlet to impinge on the artistic statements of accomplished musicians by packing their reviews with personal anecdotes, clever asides, neologisms, and genres they just made up five minutes ago.
The review wraps up with an especially revealing line about Owen Pallet’s Harvest or After the Gold Rush or whatever it’s called—“This stuff is rich with ideas, and they’re offered in the kind of rich, warm sound” that is sure to fill you with all sorts of rich-y richness. It’ll make you feel like you’ve just taken a dip in a pool of Velveeta cheese and melted dark chocolate and, yeah, you might even feel inspired enough to take on the whole world. (…of Warcraft.)
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